6. WORK
In gay male relationships, it seems to be more accepted, overall, that work often “has to come first.” Busy male executives, straight or gay, have been socialized that it just “comes with the job” to work later nights, weekends, or even on vacations. I also have observed and believe that sometimes gay men in relationships capitulate to work/bosses and give more of their time than straight husbands and fathers do, which can be a very (very!) subtle form of internalized homophobia, where a gay male will fail to set limits with work, but a straight father will set limits on leaving a meeting early to be at his kid’s school play that evening or to meet his wife for an anniversary dinner. Again, this is a generalization, but after over 20 years of doing gay men’s couples therapy, I see this double-standard too often. I sometimes counsel gay male partners that if a straight man would be not capitulate to an intrusive and demanding boss’s request, a gay man shouldn’t either, in the same situations.
I call this, in couples work, making your relationship work on four levels: 1) emotionally; 2) physically (including your sex life); 3) domestically (see above); and a fourth area that I call “managing The Other.” Sometimes gay men in relationships must manage anyone who is “The Other” who undermines their relationship: an intrusive in-law, noisy neighbors, flirtatious twinks in clubs/bars/social events, or a boss who doesn’t respect his/her employee’s personal time (especially when said boss would respect the personal time of a straight employee, cuz, you know, their relationship “counts” more).
7. FUN
Fortunately, one huge and consistent benefit I have observed in gay male relationships over straight ones is that gay couples consistently demonstrate a youthfulness, playfulness, and sense of fun, especially with peers but also alone with each other. Dancing in clubs, going on gay cruises, having sexual three-ways, attending charitable events, experiencing dining adventures, celebrating birthdays/anniversaries in creative ways, elite athleticism, indulging
pets, doing pristine home improvements, world travel, and exploring nature are just some examples. While this is common to affluent gay male couples, even middle class or working class gay couples seem to have an extra sense of discovering fun, creative pastimes. Some of this could be just the economic privilege that comes with dual “male” salaries and no kids, but I also think it’s because gay men tend to have an adventurous, creative, youthful (even “age-inappropriate”), and exuberant spirit – and when both partners have these traits, the things they dream up to do together can be extraordinary.